In the darkness my feet found their way to the ground,
Unwavering, unwavering in the silence, I was able to stand,
For in the near distance, in the meadows bathed by the sunlight,
I could hear your voice calling out only my name, and somehow it was all I ever needed.

I had always felt safe in your arms,
Wrapped up in velvet so tightly I could breathe out nothing but blissful sighs.
My hands were never cold in the warmth of your presence as
You led me through universes
I could never have imagined for my own.
Am I allowed to indulge in this contentment?, I wondered.
Am I allowed to partake in this small portion of happiness when the world around me is as bleak as I’ve ever seen it?
And yet your embrace never loosened;
And against my better judgment,
I began to find home in you.

But why?
I keep asking why, down the abyss where our memories used to thrive.

Was a promise of forever only for naught?
I underestimated how secure my hand was in yours,
Now that I’m flailing for a handhold and am greeted with unforgiving cold air, as I
Search for the warmth
That has long become crucial to my sanity;
You built my hopes and desperations around you,
Only to let go and
Leave me unraveling in the wake of your unfulfilled promises–
Yes, you promised!
I was in the dark, and you saved me, and you promised!
But in the end, maybe it was all too simple to tell a girl you love her and then leave her alone.
I came from the darkness,
And you left me there,
And maybe that’s where I belonged all along.

But most of all,Β it’s myself I hate.
For even now, I am still stuck in the loop of loving you.
I still love you.
I am still in love with you.
And I will continue believing in you.
Because you are my home.
And for that– I hate myself.

–Β “Marissa, ii.”

LL.

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