I can feel his fingertips
Brushing over my heated skin.

Feather-light touches,
A lazy waltz under the soundlessness of the night sky,
As his fingers,
Deftly,
Slip under the hem of my shirt
To dance their unchoreographed routine
on what
has always been his.

His hands are always cold.
Like the ice loved him back so dearly, it became a part of him.
But not to worry,
For I will always be enough imperfection,
Enough vulnerability, rawness,
Passion;
I will always be enough heat to melt youโ€”

Viktor,
will you allow me to melt you?

Will I– no, can I allow myself to melt you?

It’s such a strange thing.

When you wrap your arms around my waist like a statement,
Under the glaring lights, under the world’s intruding eyes,
I find myself wanting to embrace you,
Until the distance between us reaches the double decimals and I can’t hear anything other than the beating of your heart.

When you tell me how beautiful I look,
In passing glances and murmurs, in locker rooms and crowded corridors,
I find myself wanting to kiss you,
Until I can make you realize that I have never found myself beautiful until you came along.

When you
whisper
in my ear
that you love me,
–How I find myself wanting to abandon everything I knew about who I am,
And tell you,
With all my heart,
How much….
I want to love you.

But when you’ve lived your whole life accustomed to the mist of rejection,
And you’ve had to do everything you can,
Adjust yourself,
Lest the pressure in the air succeeds in crushing more than your lungsโ€”

Over time, it gets harder to believe even in your own feelings.

Harder still
to believe,
Viktor,
that you aren’t just a dream;

That I won’t just wake up one morning….
To posters of your face on the wall,
And an empty space in my heart where you pushed aside everything else to make yourself comfortable, and then leftโ€”

I don’t want to lose you.
I can’t lose you.

I can’t afford to lose you when you are the only one who made me believe that the future is not something to be dreaded, but something to be looked forward to!

Is that love?

Is not wanting to lose you,
love?

Is wanting to be with you every second of every day,
Is wanting to better myself,
And be the reason behind your every smile….
love?

I don’t have the answers.
I don’t think what I say will ever be as clear-cut as the teary confession soliloquies from the dramas my sister likes to secretly watch.

I don’t think I’ll ever know what love
is.

But what I can say right now–
Is if the time comes
When the whole world
Turns its back on me,
Viktor,
I’d want you to be the only person left standing by my side;

And I’ll be okay.

Because, Viktor,
you are enough.

–ย “Yuuri’s Confession” —ย a tribute, with love, for Katsuki Yuuri’s birthday (11.26.16).

LL.


Happy birthday, Yuuri! We all love you!
Eat katsudon for me! ๐Ÿ™‚

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